Here I go again sharing my journey, baby bump watch has officially begun.  I’ve always tried to be open about my fertility and losses because I don’t want any woman to ever feel alone or like” it’s just her” this being said… every time I open up it leads to months of questions and sometimes insensitive comments but it’s a good thing I have thick skin.

rn

Clarification; I am not currently pregnant.  I hope to be next month as I am about to embark on my first IUI journey.  Infertility does not seem to be an issue but it takes us longer to to get pregnant than it should.  I shouldn’t say “for some reason” when I know the reason is mostly likely stress.  Ever and I both work very hard, we both love what we do and this makes it hard to detach from the stress our our job.  Then there is the stress of actually getting pregnant, every month is both a disappointment and relief that that month is not the month.  I’m disappointed that our family is not growing and that the age difference is growing every month but relieved that I can keep up my work pace with out slowing down.  It’s bitter sweet.

rn

I’ve experienced 2 loses.  The first was one of those rare “one in a million” cases of skeletal dyspepsia.  I had every study known to mankind done and there was no medical explanation.  I made my peaces with it and decided to not be afraid to try again.  The second happened just recently.  It was at the beginning of this year right after my grandfathers cancer diagnosis.  I wanted it to be the happiness during all the sadness but I couldn’t share the new with my grandparents because I was their primary care-taker and I know if they knew they would not let me help.  Not helping was not an option, I took my grandfather to every single Dr. appointment and chemotherapy appointment, I picked up every prescription, I went to every VA meeting.  I was there every hospital stay until the very end.  The stress was weight on my heart was like nothing I have ever felt and I just knew that a baby could not thrive in those conditions.  In my heart of hearts I just knew.

rn

This is my story and this is the chapter I’m in now.  It is in no way a sad story, it’s a beautiful one filled with a loving little girl, and wonderful husband and jobs I love.  I have so much to be grateful for and as much as I want another baby, I have also made me peaces with the idea of just having one biological one (adoption is also in the works but that’s a different chapter and blog post)  I hope you read this and it soothes your soul knowing that it’s not just you that struggles, it’s ok to get mad or sad but it’s not ok to stay that way! 

rn

So wish us luck and I hope a baby announcement is in our future (now to think of a cute one, lol)!